What's left of me~

Why can't I jus change for once? Why must it all be empty promises.. Ryan... You'r useless, worthless and a junk.. Stop decieving others... If u can't be who u claim to be.. Then shut the fuck up and learn...





For the past 1 week.. All i remember doing was quarrelling with Jiayi.. Lots and lots of quarrels.. And the quarrellings paid off... with her giving up hope on me.. I derserve it.. So why should i even be acting like a baby crying... Milk's spilled.. Game's over... aNd i'm the loser... I'v came to realised that me, the current ryan.. Is a fucking big actor.. Acting like someone who he is not.. but wants to be jus to look cool... Look different.. Wad good has it brought u huh? A broken heart boyy.. Norine's lesson still not enough ah... Now its really expected that u have to go thru this once again... Where's the changes man.. I have to admit i did change.. but also.. i'm easily influnced.. I dun really have a strong mind.. I'm easily manipulated by ppl... People ard me.. Ppl i love esp... I love jia yii.. but like she said.. its all the past.. should jus let go.. how i wish its that simple..





In the r/s.. i made many mistakes.. Common ones like lying, cheating on her.. all those stuff.. it jus shows that i dun love her at all.. But yet my heart says i do.. pRob is becuz i'm so used to her.. hard to get on with life w/o her... Although its not like that.. but jus have to force that concept into my fucking pathatic mind... I love her yet time over time i left her.. then when i realised my mistake... then go back.. like she's a spare tyre.. i really dun mean it that way gal.. Hands on my chest.. i swear i do really love you... Many ppl told me not to go too deep into the r/s... from other sider's point of view.. we dun match up.. and this is one fact both me and her knew.. but i wanted to prove everyone wrong.. I wan to try make things work out.. cuz i believe in myself.. i believe in fate.. Our meeting was by fate totally.. It is also wad i call love at first sight.. its really great to experience that kind of feeling.. its not something everyone has the chance to experience... And another issue, my own financial problem... Its been the same since young... whenever i got the cash, i'll be thinking on how to spend it.. instead of saving it up for rainy days... That's one fucked up problem.. so i won't blame her for leaving.. after all u dun wanna be with a guy whom u can't rely on right? I jus hope these incident would become a very impt lesson for me.. all i needa do now is to change.. to focus fully on changing.. not for the sake of her.. but for the sake of my own future..





Arg!!! Can't take it no more.. i'll better head to bed.. been up the whole night out in town.. really tired now...







*If ever you'r looking at this.. i wanna tell you.. gal.. you'r gave me something no one else have given me.. the feeling of love... and care.. and concern... you stood out among all those.. including my family.. thank you for the memories.. i'll move on from here now i guess... =)





The last picture we ever taken together.. i rmb her telling me she likes it.. but prob to her it means nth now... I do hope you meant wad you said bout me being your second and ur last.. It's jus false hopes but i'll still take it...

you have no idea how much u mean to me gal...